What Am I Doing?

I am at work right now and I started to play games on my iPod and then i realized that I have not journaled in a while and that I can tell that I am slowly heading off track a little and letting my desires and wants get in the way. It is this vicious circle that i am in when it comes to my desires and God\’s. I cannot seem to grasp the seriousness of it and some times I just want to quit because of the difficulty as well. I hate serving myself and I can slowly see myself falling back into what I was before. I guess inherent been completely honest with myself and really never thought it as important or what drives the humanly desires in me. Fantasy.

For me the huge thing that I have realized lately is that my mind has completely spun out of control. I have always had a rotten mind and I had always had whiplash syndrome but never this bad. My mind has gone from mildly occurring to almost always. It seems like i always have a bad thought in my head, well impure thought. It sucks, i almost feel as though i am back into porn but with just my mind. I don\’t feel as guilty about it but i guess in the past few days thinking about it, not feeling guilty is the scary part. I have not really been trying to guard it but as like I said before I really havent felt a lot of guilt.

I want a pure mind and a pure thought life. I want all the old images gone, forgotten. I feel like Ebenezer Scrooge, and I am visited my evil haunted spirits that just replay my bad past mistakes and keeps reminding me of my faults. I miss home. Well not home anymore, i miss New York. To be totally honest I really never thought that I would hear that come out of my mouth. But I really do. More than anything else right now. I miss family and the guys. It just feels like a void.

Well I am just rambling. I need this change in my mind God, help me to achieve it and honor you with my mind.