Gut Punch

It\’s crazy, I get punched in the gut all the time from two guys in my life, and now about every two weeks I get to talk on the phone and I almost feel like I am back in the group again. It\’s getting more scary every week because the longer that I have been away from the group the more I want that but the less time after phone calls am I back right in to the midst of the plateau. That sentence didn\’t really make sense, so what I mean is after talking on the phone my spiritual high is lasting less and less days.

Which brings me to my next part, I remember when I would get a spiritual high from reading proverbs. I continue talking about finding a few men that I can do this with. That I can have that sense of male bonding and encouragement since I moved to Nebraska, but it has yet to happen. It has yet to become a priority worth my time. What a dick head I am. I complain about it, I get myself depressed and then I do nothing to seek that. I do nothing to make it happen, like God is up there saying oh just don\’t do anything, don\’t seek me or anything, I will take care of all the work. Don\’t worry. And sense when have I been bashful and a lilly licker when it comes to telling my story, it\’s like all of a sudden I care what people think.

I was reading one of my buddy\’s blog and he was talking about christians desire to know the bible and know theology, but with no motivation other than to appear smart and spiritual, and to win arguments. These Bible self studiers trying to gain as much knowledge as they possibly can so that in some way it can make themselves look good and smash their opponent rather than to become closer to God because they are reading his love letter. Then I thought about my motivation to become a better writer and know more Bible and I felt like a dirt bag because like these self studying losers, I qualify for the same category.

I am so sick of this plateau. I feel like I am driving through the west. Like nebraska, there is no growth, there are no hills, there are no trees, no scenery. I am in a desert. In my mind and my outward actions show different priorities than my mouth. I know what I need, I talk about it more than anything else and I think it\’s time to move from the west and look for higher ground.

God thank you for putting two incredibly fallen guys in my life to encourage me when I am falling!