Am I A Good Follower?

It\’s difficult for me to tell whether or not I am following Christ the way that I should be and doing what he commands me to do. I think it is harder for me to seek God consistently when I look back and see where I was before and then when I see where I am now. I feel super arrogant when I say that because in the grand scheme of things I and not doing well. But when I compare myself to myself I am doing pretty good and therefore rationalize myself into staying where I am at. I think it would be wise to recap my week in my journal and not necessarily get feed back but knowing that there are two guys devoting some of there week to reading my blog. I mean as far as seeking God goes and growing, I believe it is worth a try.

This week for me was and had it\’s ups and downs. As far as my relationship with my girlfriend goes, its prolly the best relationship with a women that I have ever had and my mind through most of it has been the purest that it\’s ever been. It\’s hard to judge because we do cross lines at some times but our relationship is far from based on the physical and some nights we hardly even kiss. So at times I don\’t feel as guilty as I should when I let my guard down. My relationship with her has been extremely pure as far as the physical goes. We haven\’t crossed the sex line either. I would just pray for even more self control than I have now.

My thought life on the other hand has actually improved since the last time that I talked about it. I mean I am still in the rubber neck in stores but not so much imagining but more admiring. I feel guilty most of the time and the other part of the time I really don\’t even notice that I am doing it till after. The tv has been stretching me lately and actually is scaring me a little bit because I have been letting things go. Specificly this Victoria secret commercial, it is haunting me. Every time it comes on I intentionally look at what\’s on the screen. Stupid. First it starts with that and next it will be porn again and that\’s the last place that I wanna be.

Spiritually, well, this area is tough for me because there is no scale for how much you should read or how much you should pray and in my heart and mind I feel as though I am doing a crappy job even tho I really do feel like I am seeking God. I have been reading my two brothas\’ blogs and I am reading a leadership book and most nights I am listening to the bible. I feel like God is there and I am trying but I am not sure if it\’s the devil or not that is making me doubt because my overall knowledge is not there. I am not really sure. Also I haven\’t been soaking up what I have been learning or reading. A lot of it seems to be going in one ear and out the other. I don\’t know.

Awesome thing happen the other day, I was playing Monday night basketball for the first time at this church and I met this guy named Joe. He is the one that runs this open gym and he is pretty involved in the church and because of the authentic lifestyle that I have adapted the topic of our for brothers group came up and he seemed kinda interested in what I was saying. I have little hopes that it will turn into anything because most of the other leads have flattened out but I have hope. He is about 31 and easy for me to relate to and totally understand where I am coming from. I really hope God uses him in an off the meter way.

Over all the week was pretty good and no I didn\’t read every day. And I need to start that again. Check that I will start that again. But God is good and is always there even when i turn astray.

Rambo