Bogged Down

I really feel bogged down, like I am in this big jeep and was riding along and all of a sudden hit this mud hole that slowed me way down. This is no unfamiliar place that I am in. I have been here many a times before. Even though I have been here before I feel like it is even harder to get my mind to comprehend it. How every time before God brought me out with few scratches and always someone there to comfort and guide me back to sanity. Even in those times before I was worried I was scared, I didn\’t know what to expect. Deep down I knew the mud hole wouldn\’t last long and that the dude in the truck on the other side with the winch was God. I just can\’t seem to stop worrying. I can\’t stop trying to solve it myself and do it on my own. When I look and myself.and stack my self up to the problem I am intimidated. But when I step back give the reins to God and let him drive, I feel secure. Why is it so hard to just let go. And why am I such a bad steward of what God gives me?

Money has always been the biggest root to all of my stress and all of my anxiety. I suck with it. I don\’t spend it right. I don\’t save it right. I don\’t give it right and I owe alot of it. Its unbelievable stressfull for me. I buy stupid shot and have nothing left for the things I really need. I get so pisses at myself I just don\’t know what to do. I wish money wasn\’t an issue for me. I hate owing it. Debt sucks balls.

Another thing that has kinda been stressing me out is Katie and this love dare thing. My arrogance with this book is ridiculous. Because she has no idea what I am doing I become arrogant with her like she it less than me or I am 100% more Godly. I disgust myself. It has definitely been a great book for me to go through and very intense, but it brings out the worst attitude when it comes to relationship. I am getting more irritated. I get frustrated quicker. And my patience has lost its fuse. I snapped at her the other day. I am pretty sure that was the first time I have ever done that. What am I turning into? Or probably more acurately what mask was I wearing and what personality was it covering up? Wow tough self evaluation for sure.

Spiritually I have been learning alot about love and alot about prayer through love dare and pray with my buddies blog. I have learned some and brought into prospective how God loves us and what that looks like in a relationship with gentleness, kindness, servanthood, and the age old unconditional part of love and that choosing katie is way better than having a feeling about this girl. That\’s a big pill to swallow but I am glad that this time around its being done right.

The last few days I have been staying on Katies couch and not at my own place. Part of…well probably 98% of that is cuz I am a lazy piece of crap. And cheap. I still struggle whether…well not whether but how much that is hurting our relationship.

Trust and surrender. It reminds me of another buddies blog a few weeks ago about letting go of the wheel. I think its time.

Oh yeah I had another pansy moment today when I was having coffee with E. Some guy he knew came to our table and kinda ask what we were doing and I eluded but E just came out with we are talking about the Lord. Made me feel like shit. Wow what a guy and what a friendship that God blessed me with. Good things are going to come. I wish we were closer to home tho.

Well God there\’s alot of stuff going on and you are in control. Please take the reins or wheel, whatever just drive. I am tired and I can\’t do it bymyself.

Rambo