Self-deception

       I am ridiculous. I dont think that there is anyone else in the world that is more deceived sometimes than me. Maybe not deceived by other people but deceived by my own selfish subconscious.When it comes to tricking myself i am my own worst enemy.
       I watch this show called \”Lie to Me\”. It is based on this deception agency who\’s primary purpose is to be hired by independent people or organizations if they have a problem with deception and Cal (the boss) figures out what people are hiding by every means other than speech. This show fascinates me and i often find my self trying to read people instead of listing to them. Its kind of ironic because the one person i should be reading their lies is my self. It starts with everything. I have, in the last 2 weeks, (since Christmas) been on this slightly pointed down slope into what seems to be a pool of nothing and emptiness with the occasional \”good deed\” or \’right action\” here or there.
       Like a fish on its last leg, after you stunned it. The fish still has some fight left and flops a few times. I feel like this literally right now. I feel as though i have been caught by satan hook line and sinker, his bait of choice, rationalization, stress and laziness. I feel as though he landed me in the boat and I am in his hand ready to be thrown in his bucket. But i feel like i have hope. I feel like that fish that still has a flop left and if he does it at the right time can flop right back into God\’s pond. Wow kinda a corny analogy but i get the picture quite clear.
       I am not completely off my rocker i guess. Sometimes i dont give myself enough credit and i am a little too hard but thats what i need. Spiritually i have learn more and more about loving Katie. About loving God eventhough i am not good at it. I am learning this stuff through the book love dare. I have put my mind too it and have dug it out for 35 days i believe. I have really been diligent in reading it and trying to apply the simple and complicated truths that the book has to offer. I get enjoyment out of reading this book and yet sometimes i feel guilty. I feel ashamed because i dont put half the same effort into reading the Bible. I dont seem to get the same enjoyment out of it and find myself day dreaming when ever i do read the bible. Also the same with the Pirate Monks. One night i spent reading over half the book again. I was glued. I was hooked. Captivated by the story of Nate Larkin and by the end of the night felt like i was more interested in a broken man than a perfect God. Am i defective? what does it take to get God like that? Do i just want answers and good stories? Am i missing something greater that God has for me? I want that same enjoyment, that same captivation, and that same excitement when i read about my savoir and our heavenly father.
       I can always tell when i am not on the ball or falling behind. I am less social, procrastinate, not as talkative, and i tend to have whiplash more often. I have done all of these things in the last 2 weeks. I haven talked to my buddy from back home, I havent met with Eric. I have put things off and messed up my priorities, and just flat out stopped personally seeking after God in everything that i am doing. Its funny but i have always heard dont just randomly read in your bible, you know like the drop your bible on the table and where ever it open thing. well my bible is on my phone so i just close my eyes and scroll the books up and down with my finger then stop somewhere. Tonight it landed on 2thess. and i read through chapter one. I also read through another buddies blog who is all over \”not action based\” and for me growing up in the house hold that i did is so hard for me to grasp. Subconsciously it seems almost impossible for me to grasp this concept. I am able to say it over and over in my head and believe it intellectually but to actually live this out without out my foundation taking over seems insurmountable.
       I grew up in a house hold where there were rules and you must do the right thing to please dad. I treat God this way. I have to do the right thing to please God. I get into this vicous circle where i dont do the right thing, feel guilty, so then i stop seeking God as much then do something else wrong, feel more guilty, and on and on. but what i read today spoke to this with more truth than i have heard in a while.

 We ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters,<sup class="footnote" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em;" value="[b]\”>[b] and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love all of you have for one another is increasing. ⁴ Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.


The first thing he commends them about is there faith. He says because your faith is increasing even more and more. Not you are doing many good things, but your faith, your belief is increasing more and more. I get so caught up in what people can see and for get that God can see everything and that means that he sees my heart way before my actions. He knows it before i DO anything wrong. He knows whether or not i am seeking him regardless of what my actions are. He doesnt have to go that far to see what i am really about. He catches me at the source. I have to be honest my life is not hard. I am safe and i take it for granted. I am sorry God. Help me today Seek you! Not attempt to please you with my actions, words or fancy prayers. but pursue you through every facet of my life. I want to be captivated by you and not things.