I Am Not Here

I was there. My life is such like a roller coaster when it comes to my spiritual life that I have found it to become harder and harder to maintain consistency in my life. I have gotten to the point where I have allowed soft core things to creep into what I watch and have even searched it out. I preach to myself that its not action based and that it is all about seeking God, but I fall back into the mind set and best myself up over my actions instead of doing what I am doing now. The amount that I have saught after God is evident in what my blog life looks like. If I am on about once or twice a week chances are I am seeking him with a fair amount of vigor. If I have done what this last time looks like and avoided my spiritual outlet then chances are I am hiding. And it has become a lot easier to hide now a days because I am not surrounded by brothers that get it or have time to get it. And even worse I have choose to not attempt to get it. I have settled for a mediocre attempt at brotherhood. And allowed that mediocreness creep into unacceptable. The blame rests fully on me because I know better. Rather than make excuses I think it is time I bucked up and start the trek back up the hill.

(NIV)James 2:14-20
What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? [15] Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. [16] If one of you says to him, \”Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,\” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? [17] In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. [18] But someone will say, \”You have faith; I have deeds.\” Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. [19] You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. [20] You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless ?

I know that this is a long verse but it pretty much portrays what I am feeling right now, well maybe not feeling but what is going on and how true these verses are in my life. From when I can remember struggling with porn aggression always tagged along it was impossible for me to get finished with my fix and not be hostile to friend or family. I think my sister and brother got the worst of it and from the way I was brought up and what I saw I blamed this anger on my dad. I thought since he is angry and abusive it must be a gene that is pasted down from their father\’s then to their sons. Wrong! After having victory in this area of my life I became more understanding, quicker to listen and less likely to argue or insist that I was right. The only girl that I have ever been with and not been involved with this corruptible sin is K. It has been by far the best relationship that I have ever had.

I can see this verse working in both ways. On the one hand you can take it literally. If you have faith you will have good deeds. Then you can take it literally again, just in the opposite light. If you don\’t have faith you will have bad deeds or none at all. My gentleness and kindness are my good deeds. My anger and my impatience are my bad deeds.

I got impatient and angry the other day with K like I have never before with her and it was scary. After I hated myself for the way I thought and how I reacted. I was disguised. I hadn\’t felt that way since the last time I lustfully looked at a naked women. That feeling was like nothing I ever want to repeat again. I have lost complete control of my eyes and my will to stop is next. I don\’t want to be back were I was 2 years ago. I don\’t want to be at rock bottom. All is not lost. This was my wake up call. This is the time for the turn around. The upward heading to reach the top of the mountain.

I want to get back to there. I want to get back to where I was and then keep going. I am sick of slipping back down the hill. Its pissing me off. Like trying to run up an ice covered hill its frustrating. Hows that for so honestly and dissatisfaction? Now I got the ice spikes. And I am ready to rock and roll. My faith will produce good deeds. \”there\” here I come!