Alixzander

Alixzander is a kid that I work with at my job. The relationship that I have with him and that he has with other staff remind me of how I treat God. Its crazy because I tend to think a lot about the kids that I work with and whether they realize it or not they have had a huge impact on my life. They have been helping me realize the importance of attention and how they strive for it and what it looks like when they don\’t get it from their real parents and then when certain staff treat them poorly. I feel nervous about when I have kids if I will show them the love and attention that they need. And if they will turn out alright.

I have so many things going through my head right now I really don\’t even know how to keep going. That\’s worry about my kids turn out kinda also stems from what I have been reading in a new book I have been reading. The book is \”A Renegades guide to God\”, and to be completely honest it has really been knocking my socks off. It has out a lot of my ideas in order and I think made me more aware of what I really believe and why. I guess that is why I am having such a difficult time what to write because over the last few days a lot has come to light. I have been on fire, doing well, and listening to him and seeking him. Then I have the times of weakness. And that\’s where alixzander comes in.

He is 12 and a pretty good kid most of the time. But when he is bad, he is bad. Cussing, throwing stuff, jumping off his ledge on to the bed and breaking anything he can get his hands on. Then all of a sudden he has a significant change in heart. Its almost like that feeling you get right after. As soon as you get done its like \”f@#$ !!! I am an idiot! I am sorry God please forgiving me\”. Oh I hated that feeling and still do. Its really with anything stupid we do. That guilt is haunting. But for most of us that are some what addictive and compulsive that feeling is never enough to stop is from doing it again. Its almost like food for me as well or money. After I spend money on something for me that I know I shouldn\’t have that feeling hits down in the pit of my stomach. I treat God the way Alixzander treats me because as soon as I am done fulfilling my selfish desires I crawl back to him and try and manipulate God. I say I am sorry with no intention of changing and I just do it cuz I am suppose to. Has nothing to do with relationship and all to do with suppose to. Anyways I think I am just rambling but the point I guess is that I have a choice and I am more aware of it now.

Anyways, the last couple days have been rocking because of the book. My faith has become more real and my courage when it comes to talking to people about christ has increased tenfold. I have impacted one girl I work with and planted a seed with another guy. This idea of a rule book that I need to follow has been deeper buried in my past and the faith and relationship aspect of God has grown clearer in my mind. He is big. He is so big and so powerful. Sorry I just felt like saying that.

For so long I have came to the conclusion that if bad things are happening to me it is because of my actions. And when good things came about it was because I must have done something to please God. How could I be so far from the truth? God doesn\’t work on the cause and effect system that we have created. If he did then he would be predictable and from personal experience he is the farthest from predictable. Its would seem as though that there is no rhyme or reason for the things that God does but there is and we can\’t figure it out. That\’s what annoys is and what we can\’t handle. We are unable to predict him. We try to box him up but we fail.

I would love to be sitting next to God has he is ruling over the world. He must think we are idiots. Since a kid I have pictured it as a sand box and we are like ants crawling around in the sand box. God is standing over the sand box and watching over us and intervening in our lives as he wills.

We have all done this as little boys in the summer. You find an ant hill then you single out an ant. You trap it by using your hand to block it. Any direction that it tries to go you out your hand there. Now for most of the ants that I can remember they were scared and as soon as your hand went to the ground they darted of in the opposite directions but occasionally there would be the stubborn ant that would try and climb over your hand then you would shake it to the ground and begin to block it again. (Did I really just write a huge paragraph about ants? Yicks!)

That\’s how is see God in my life. Sometimes I am that stubborn ant. I remember a ton of times that I was about to do something stupid God would throw something in there to block me. Whether it my internet not working, my debt card wouldn\’t go through or my food dropped off my plate. Sometimes I would listen (not many) and other times I was that stubborn ant. And found ways around it. Then later on the consequence of God shaking me off his hand was usually pretty big. Getting catch looking at inappropriate stuff, not having money for bills, or even gaining 30 pounds after college.

I don\’t really have a verse specific to what\’s been going on in my life and I don\’t have to have one. That\’s the great part. I have been poking around in Hebrews and reading the Renegades book. God has been really good to me and I have been really shitty to him. Not that its about actions but he is my heavenly father, a friend and if I wouldn\’t punch C in the face or kick E in the balls or sell S\’s bike without him knowing why would I spit in the face of the being that gave me everything I have? And is 100 times more reliable? (not personal) I don\’t want to be good to God because I want him to give me good things, I want to be good to him because he deserves it.