Pee on the Floor

It is incredible how undisciplined that I am when I am by myself. It\’s like a young dog peeing on the floor right after his master comes home from a long vacation. I would think that as a 25 year old adult I would be able to control when and where I pee. It always seems to happen this way and I am not sure what it is that is causing such a shift in my thinking. I must be subconsciously thinking on a Catholic grading scale where if I do a few amazing things and have a few incredible conversations that I am okay to get away with a few peeks with the eyes. So stupid! The last couple days have just been stupid with my purity. My eyes have been completely awful and I was led into it after a week of spiritual high with a side of stress.

This week was by far the sweetest week and the most stressful week of my short life so far. I wa able to see a bunch of my buddies from back home and reunited on a deeper level than I have in about 7 months. It was literally awesome. Then on the other hand my lady friend had a problem with about 75% of the things I did and thought it would be fun to make me feel incredibly guilty about it. That created a lot of stress and when I get in stressful situations I result back to the female figure. My eyes were and have been today, awful. And the internet was not my best friend. I stayed away from nude but was content to get as close to that as possible. What a dirt bag. I didn\’t even want to blog tonite. I just want to hide. I don\’t even want to read but I am going to force my self now.

(NIV)Romans 12:9-10
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. [10] Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Do I really love God? If I do, do I hate what is evil? Am I clinging (seeking) what is good? Verse 9 messes with me because with my back round of biblical teaching my mind immediately goes to actions. And I change the words in my mind to say, \”love must be show an attempt, do not do things that are evil, do things that are good.\” Get it out of my brain! Paul even says in an earlier passage:

(NIV)Romans 7:15-25
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. [16] And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. [17] As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. [18] I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. [19] For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. [20] Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. [21] So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. [22] For in my inner being I delight in God\’s law; [23] but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. [24] What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? [25] Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God\’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

It is long but good and right where I am at. Paul, I think, his the nail on the head. Even tho throughout the entire 10 verses seems like he is talking about action, he is not. I love this inner struggle that Paul has an I have related to it for years, or at least I thought I did, till now. Now I know I do. Paul literally talks about doing things evil and good for 9 of the 10 verses then he ties it in the last verse. He says, \”I myself, in my mind, am a slave to God\’s law, but in sinful nature am a slave to the law of sin\”.

Now I could be taking this completely out of context and I think I might be (which kinda scares me) but to me I feel as tho Paul is not making an excuse for the sin that he commits or that he is giving us a free pass to sin. I feel as tho he is showing the decreased magnitude of sin and the power that we give it and the increased power and importance of seeking after God.

I don\’t know. That\’s my best guess and I know that I feel like I relate big time. My past value system pops up in places that I don\’t even think about and throws me for a loop. I need to become more disciplined with my actions and understand that I have people in my life that are there to keep me off the rollercoaster and help me to stay disciplined so I don\’t piss on the floor.