Dr. God

I hate choices. I make a billion of them a day. I am constantly making choices and every single one of them point my life in a direction that God already knows. Whether I am sitting at my desk at work, driving home, or chilling before bed I am constantly making choices. Some of them are routine like to get out of bed, brush my teeth, put on clothes. Some of them are easy and insignificant choices like what lane to be in on the highway, or what parking spot I will take. Then some are a lot harder and more life changing like what I will eat for dinner, where should we live or should I have my IPad in my lap late at night.

Well, lately I have been starting blogs and then finishing them days later. I am at work right now with no motivation what so ever. I am a slug sitting in the chair. I am not sure what this is but it’s almost like withdraw. My eyes are incredible awful, and I have had no desire in the areas that I should have desire. It is bad now. I can’t take last night’s victory lightly. It took me a few hours to fall asleep and today I just want to escape from reality. I am suffocated by this sin and overwhelmed. I always heard of relapse and had a few encounters of my own but nothing that I couldn’t handle. It’s this dumbass mind game that entraps my mind. I am beginning to live out older tendencies that I used to have before guys group. I am so competitive to the point where I want to break out in tears when I lose or fail. Spending money on shit I don’t need. Getting upset with my wife and becoming super defensive about minor marriage issues that we have been through and dealt with before. I am an ass to people and more and more I fail the more and more… the bigger and bigger of an ass I become. More intense are the feelings of failure. Maybe I haven’t been as good as I thought I was and I wasn’t surrendering but just living good enough for me. Maybe I was just upholding my own standard. Either way I am sick. I need a doctor. No earthly doctor. A spiritual doctor is the only one that can fix me.

I read some today during my lunch and kind of just flipped open my bible and it was Ezekiel 10 and I read to the end on 11. God is a doctor and he is one that is powerful and strong enough to fix the garbage that I dragged myself through.

I don’t know how relevant this passage is to what I need but this give me hope that God can really fix me. I am a broken toy used and abused by my own flesh. I need some oil, some duct tape and glue. I need the thorns and dirt taken from my body and maybe some new paint. I can’t fix myself because my arms are broken and frankly I don’t even know where to start. All I know is something’s not right. I don’t want to live by my standards anymore but I want to live by my powerful God’s standards. I am sick of being broken and instead of asking for help continue to wallow in my despair. I hate it here and I want better. Not for my sake but for the GLORY of God’s.