A Few Minutes

Well the title is pretty fitting for what my life has been about the last month. I have been pretty good purity wise. I am still screwing up but giving in less and being more intentional about the things i have. I sold both my old phone and my ipad which makes failing a whole lot harder. Anyways, that doesnt mean my life is hunky doory. I have probably read 2 chapters one day in the last month…over a month. I read one chapter because a sermon moved me a few weeks ago and i read another chapter because i felt guilty, not because i wanted to listen to God. I am always busy, only have a few minutes. F…i am so disgusted with myself. Out of 43,200 minutes in the last month of my life i have consciously spent a maximum of 20 minutes with God and 43180 minutes pleasing each and every desire that i had. In my comment to one of my brothers i used the word complacency. 


Complacency – self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies
Apathy – lack of feeling or emotion : impassiveness lack of interest or concern


This describes my life at this moment. I feel nothing, like a kid playing with a hot wheels sitting in the middle of a train track. Its a weird feeling of disaster. I can comprehend the no desire for anything. Constantly searching for something to fill this giant gap in my life. Why is following God like a gas tank. Constant filling and emptying. Why can\’t I just fill and stay full? I feel now I am running on fumes. Constantly trying to fill my tank with the wrong liquids, things, title, accomplishment, popularity, sports. I know deep down what will make this rusty broken down thing move. I sit here in the office to the point of tear but hold them in. I wonder why and how on earth I let my self get to this point. Lost broken and confused. It scares me because ever since I left New York this feeling has grown stronger and surfaced more and more recently. I am not sure if this is a dependence on people or what I had was a good thing. 


I am about to talk to my boss. I guess its one of those God things and see what he pulls out!