Square One

I am back to square one again with my walk with Christ. I talked to my player last night about what happens when it feels like things are going well in our lives. We often stop trusting and rely on ourselves. We tend to take plays off in life. Ease off the gas petal a bit. I have been on cruise control for a long time. Almost a year and a half. I have maybe even fell asleep at the wheel a little bit.

It is a crazy psychological battle. You feel you can do things on your own but at the same time you don\’t. You feel like you can take on what you want if you want to do it but when in comes to bigger tasks then you feel over whelmed and defeated. Procrastination is the death of productivity in my life. My team is suppose to go on a trip to Ethiopia and I had the brilliant idea of taking everyone and fundraising together. What a dumb idea because i hate fundraising and i hate asking for money. I thought in the beginning that this would be easy. Epic fail. Not only do i let my team down but most of all i will be letting my Dad down. His passion for Ethiopia is ridiculous and he was really excited for me to be bring a group. I told him we might not raise enough money and he basically told me i wasn\’t working hard enough. Which is not entirely false.

I have started our old guys group ritual again, reading proverbs. I am convince that will pull me our of cruise control and help me to become a led foot again. I have sexual desires all the time and its so hard for me to fight the urges. My head game is gone and defeat is all i feel. I almost think that i am on the verge of depression. Which i never thought that i would be. I have so much trouble getting out of bed in the morning and then at night i have so much trouble going to sleep because i know in the morning i am not going to want to get up. I don\’t want to face the next day.

Proverbs 1 – 

One of the most famous \”fear of The Lord is the beginning of knowledge\”

I don\’t fear God. I don\’t fear God like i should fear Him. He is like a Dad to me not a ruler of life. I don\’t know if that means i don\’t believe fully in Him but my arrogance makes it hard for me to fear something or someone. I am a bitch lol. I could talk crap about my dad right now when he is 2000 miles away but put him next to me and there is not a chance. I could do that with most. I fear nothing unless it is near me.

\”they lay wait for their own blood, they lurk privily for their own lives\”

Thats me. Self destructive. I don\’t know how to stop it. I wonder why i look back on my life and there is regret. Why is that? what makes that happen? why don\’t i live my life with the purpose of having no regrets. Nothing i would want to change. Why is there sin, what need is there for it. So many questions and no one to answer them on this planet. Heaven….