Man Problem (ego)

In my life right now and my closeness to God is great. Well if I am honest with myself it is more like good. I have caught myself reading more about technology and current event than the bible. I hate reading and yet it captivates me more to read about the new phone that is coming out rather than the God who has rescued me from total damnation. I am convicted a lot lately and I like it. I want to be challenged. I want to understand how my life can be better lived for Christ and how he can live better through me. 

The hardest part for me at this point is my motivation. I enjoy doing certain things at work and most of the time I am not doing those things. Most of the time when I am asked to do something it is the dumbest thing on the planet! Not efficient and not in my wheel house. Lately I have been trying not to feel guilty about it and also not complain. For the most part in the last week it has worked pretty well and I am not totally miserable at work and I have been able to get up in the morning but today was difficult. 1:15pm is when I finally left the couch where I had been laying since 11pm the night before. As I write it out I realized that I missed every part of the AM. 

I fight with the notion that there is something seriously wrong with me. I have never had this happen to me before. I woke up with my wife and ate breakfast and then lay back down. I was not tired at all. I just didn’t have anything to do. I have the most boring job right now and no motivation to do it. I feel as though I should just be done but at the same time I enjoy the school and kids so much I feel as though I would be letting them down. 

I have finally realized a part of my personality and the drive that I have to be a part of things. I want to be involved. I want to help. I want to make things better and when I am not able to do that it become tough for me to live. Maybe this shows a lack of confidence in my God. Maybe this is something that explains my dire need for change. Maybe its that competitive spirit that plagues my body. Since I married I have dulled my competitiveness and because of that my personality and drive has come creeping back to the surface.

I remember when I was a kid. My brother and I would play video game. For example, we would play this game called Mortal Kombat. It was a karate fighting game that I was not good at in the slightest bit. My brother would kick my ass all the time. I hated it. I hated it so much that most of the time he would beat me and then I would beat him with my fists. If I couldn’t win on the screen I was sure going to win in person. 

This desire to be right and this desire to be the best is killing me inside. The desire to belong, that I am trying to fill with everything but the blood of Jesus, is killing me. I want to be weak so that God can be strong in me. I want to be unwise so that God can be wise through me. I want to lose so that God can win through me.

1 Cor. 1:27-29 –“ But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of this world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things and the things that are not-to nullify the this that are so that no one mat boast before him”

This verse speaks so true in everything that I am doing and see God do. When I was weak he worked through me. When I was foolish he worked through me. When I was bent on the things that didn’t matter he showed me the things that do. 

This one was all over the place. eh