his entry has been on my mind for about a week. I have just never cut out the time to sit down and actually write. Many reasons go along with why not but ultimately it goes back to the battle that i face on a daily basis with women and what they look like. The guilt and shame that is constantly around me keeps me from communicating with God and keeps me from trusting him and relying on him. I expect everything to go right and i continue to have this dynamic with God where if i am good then the things in my life will be good. On the flip side, if i am bad then things will not go the way that i want them to go, or bad things will happen. Like my car dieing is a result of my poor behavior. I honestly could not tell you if thats true or not, or if that is even how God works but i do know that the human condition/my condition is that if i am not \”cool\” with God then all the things that are bad are the result of my disobedience. When i am \”cool\” with God then everything that is good in my life is happening because of my action. The first part of that makes sense to me. The punishment that i recieve is because of my poor actions, but the second part is where i feel the arrogance creep in and take over. I am never good enough to \”deserve\” any good thing that comes to me!
I have been reading a Proverbs again lately and for a few reasons that i dont understand i gravitate to chapter 9. One, it is not the longest chapter, two, its easy for me to read, thirdly, this relates to me in more ways than i really know, and last it kinda scares the crap out of me. oddly enough this chapter at first i thought was about just the evil folly unruly woman that tries to trap you. but its really not.
Proverbs 9:1-18 NIV
Wisdom has built her house;
she has set up its seven pillars. [2] She has prepared her meat and mixed her wine; she has also set her table. [3] She has sent out her servants, and she calls from the highest point of the city, [4] “Let all who are simple come to my house!” To those who have no sense she says, [5] “Come, eat my food and drink the wine I have mixed. [6] Leave your simple ways and you will live; walk in the way of insight.” [7] Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse. [8] Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you. [9] Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still; teach the righteous and they will add to their learning. [10] The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. [11] For through wisdom your days will be many, and years will be added to your life. [12] If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you; if you are a mocker, you alone will suffer. [13] Folly is an unruly woman; she is simple and knows nothing. [14] She sits at the door of her house, on a seat at the highest point of the city, [15] calling out to those who pass by, who go straight on their way, [16] “Let all who are simple come to my house!” To those who have no sense she says, [17] “Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious! ” [18] But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead.
Most of my life i have been presented with this same senario. I am usually on my way home and there is the grocery store on one side of the road and on the other side there is Mc Donalds. If i choose the grocery store i am able to get fruits and veggies, chicken i could grill, maybe a healthy snack or two. With a little bit of effort i would be doing my body a favor and yes i would lose about 15 minutes of my time but i would gain a few more years and lose a few more pounds. OR i could stop at Mc Donalds, the food argueably tastes way better, i dont have to cook it, it may be a tad cheaper, and did i mention it taste better.
This chapter presents me with a similar decision, the first part is described \”wisdom\” as a woman, she says \”all who are simple(mc Donalds eaters) leave your simple ways\”. Then she calls another, all who are idiots, be idiots no longer. I picture walking down a street and you have vendors on either side calling out two you, \”come try this\”, \”come eat\”, or \”buy this\”. Being pulled in two different directions. The second part is the evil. She has a different ploy, tempting with better tasting food and drink but more harmful to the body. This will kill you.
Last part is what scares me the most, I choose the easy way every time and what i have been numbed to the fact that the dead are there. I am a guest in the realm of the dead. I have checked in to hotel dead. shivers in my bones but some how i can continue to read it/believe it yet it doesnt effect change in my life for more than a day or two. How easliy i am swad, how easily i am broken, and how much i need strenght in my weakness.
God help me to be not so easily swad.
Nos & Rehtaf, Dnabsuh 