Organic

This is hard God. I wonder why whenever I state that I will do something the chances of me following through decrease significantly. I said that I was going to make writing on here consistent and often. The opposite has happened. I don’t understand that about me. Unless is happens organically then it will not happen. Follow through decreases and it seems as though the difficultly increases with the same intensity.

The weight is heavy right now. I know I am able to cast my cares on Him. The struggle that arises when I think about all of these terms in the Bible and christian circles is that I have no clue what those things look, feel, taste and smell like. I have either never experienced casting my cares on Him, or I have but just did not know that is what it was. The funny thing is that people, good hearted and God fearing people, will try to answer this question with the same struggle. They don’t know the feeling, the look or the smell. I think at best I can say what it is not.

I really do not trust God. I do not have faith in Him. I mean I do sometimes. But over all I do not. This is a scary thought because I immediately want to say, “but it’s not because I do not believe in him”. If I did believe in him those other two would seemingly fall into place. To me it appears to be simple logic, like dominoes knocking the one next to it down. So many others seem to have the idea flip a switch while mine is just stuck in the middle position.