Never Alone

There is something unique about living in a time that has no need for community. At least there is no admission to the need-We are self sufficient in most every sense of the word. At least that is what we tell ourselves. And we believe ourselves when we hear it. How gullible we are in the face of blinding evidence. of the comple­te opposite. we need others like we need water sadly enough we don’t recognize the need for water either. Who knows how our eyes get opened to the truth. The truth is scary. The truth changes. Community changes. Changes people, changes friends, changes marriages. A really good community is painful. Painful in all the right ways. It is not just a surface type of pain but a deep rooted and severe kind of pain. A life altering pain. The type of pain that will force you to quit without the help of others. Like a broken leg in the middle of the wilderness. There is often little hope when you are alone. Sometimes you are lucky and someone is traveling by, or the rare search party finds you. Even then it could be too late. They may only find remains. Some are simply lost forever. They are never found and there remains never retrieved. Those are always the saddest cases. because they never had to experience that fate. There was someone there all the time. 

Fighting Rejection

Rejection is what I have spent my life running from. It is the one thing that has defined my decisions. avoiding rejection. Not only rejection that is experienced but more often fighting a rejection that is not even real. It is anticipated or expected. My fear of being rejected is so strong. When I feel rejection or I am avoiding rejection I run to the things I know that won’t reject me. Pornography, fishing, fixing things. and in some cases I reject others before they have a chance to reject me. I think that from my upbringing that I have misunderstood what rejection was. I constantly felt rejected. Not good enough. So much so that even the truth and encouragement sounded like a twisted form of rejection. I do not believe those who say things of acceptance. I have to constantly prove my worth. Show my value. Plead not to be rejected I know its never on purpose. I know it’s really not rejection. In some ways it really isn’t about the sex. I just want to feel close to her. I know no other way. I have never learned closeness apart from Sex. I don’t know what it looks like. I am at the brink of tears with desire to make this pain go away. the shame of masturbating is less painful in my mind than this pain of rejection. All I want to do is escape. Escape to a different world to a place that accepts me Just as I am. Creep and all. No judge­ment. No failure. I just want the pain to leave. Why is the pain so unshakable. Why is it so hard to understand. Fight, Fight you fools – Gandolf The Hobbit

Inconsumable -Lamentations 3: I-24

My wife and I have an odd practice where we will watch the same three shows and two movie series over and over. Somehow they are timeless for us. The Hobbit is one of those. I have no idea why but this morning on the way into work. I listened to Lamentations I am not even sure before today that I was aware that the book of Lamentations existed. I made it to chapter 3 and it begins “I am a man who has seen affliction by the rod of the Lord”. He then explains what this rod looks like. Darkness, growing old, broken bones, bitterness and hardship. No escape, shutting out prayer, crooked paths. and that is just the first part.

This is much how the story begins in the Hobbit. Their road is filled with unthinkable affliction. They then take the mountain pass. A stone giant battle begins where the mountain they are on begin to take the form of fighting giants. After a few very close calls they find a cave. Seemingly peaceful.

Lamentations 3:10 Starts “like a bear lying in wait, like a loin in hiding! 

Unfortunately this cave is anything but safe and in mid sleep the floor begins to split and the 14 dwarfs fall to their capture in the hand of the Goblins.

Lam 3:11-he dragged me from my path and mangled me and left me without help. He drew his bow and made me the target for his arrow.

The Goblin king starts singing a song. “Necks will be broken Bones will be shattered, Necks will be rung. You be beaten and battered, from racks you’ll be hung. You’ll lie tone down here and never be found Down in the deep of Goblin town!

Lamentation INTO 3:16 “He has broken my teeth with gravel he has trampled me in dust! 

The wizard then shows up with a blinding white light and knocked everyone down. Then says “Take up ARMS” “Fight!”.

The part of reading that really spoke truth to me this morning was verse 22.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed.”

This is such a powerful image of hope that we can have in how much God really loves us. We are never forgotten. Never alone. Inconsumable. Never failed by Him. “Take up arms, Fight-FIGHT.” Do not lie down and give in to those pressures. We will not be consumed by the evil in this world. He promises us that!