Hoarders

Depression is never something that I admittedly have dealt with like others that I know. I can admit too feeling depressed for periods of time. My struggle deals more with the fogginess or clutter of my mind. Like a hoarder who does not know how to discern what to keep and let go of what is no use. My mind is often in this state of limbo. Indecisiveness. Full of second guesses. Holding tight to the security blankets of thought that did me well as a boy but hold me back as a man.

Hoarders when they reach a breaking point get professional organizers, or at least one is forced upon them because they are endangering someone. The mind hoarder also endangers those around them but usually in ways that are less detectable or easier to hide. Lately I have found that I can hide it well enough from those that are around me but have lost my ability to hide it from myself. Self deception is a useful tool for your own demise. Awareness is a simple antidote.

For the last few years, I have read books, used a planner diligently and kept a prayer journal to some consistency. Through this I have managed to become aware of the extent of my hoarding. For much of my life, I think I just slept in the corner under a box to ignore the growing piles. This morning though made me realize that I am nothing but a hindrance to God-the work that he wants to do in my life the cleaning up of my mind. I rebel so hard against Him when he starts to toss things. I run to the trash grab them and bring them back in. Then I lock Him outside again till the piles get too high. The strength that I must ask for is the strength to remain in my weakness. To remain in the house not to run to the trash. Trust that the things that he is doing serves a much greater purpose than I can see. It is much like being in the dark.

This morning my mind was so busy with the things that matter the least. Attempting to turn the lights on to see what I need to do instead of drawing near to Him in the darkness of uncertainty.A child so frightened of the dark but once they have heard or felt theer mom or dad are quickly secure in the knowledge of their presence. The goal is never to be comfortable with the blindness. It is never to be able to navigate the darkness. We are not gaining strength to do it ourselves. The strength is to remember the presence of God. The endurance is to remember your weakness, to remember that He is not blind. I must continually walk to the father in prayer, in reading and writing. He is always there to declutter. He knows the things to toss. He will reveal the things that matter the most.