Flesh Confession

Lately I think I have become very aware of my flesh. Sin nature to be more specific. The awareness has weirdly manifested in conversation with my flesh. Oddly, when I think about it I feel a bit crazy because I don’t know many people that would freely admit to talking to themselves. Maybe this is what Paul was talking about when he speaks about the old self, or when he urges the Corinthian church to die daily. That there is a second self that is fighting just as hard to be the main voice in my life. A self that is old. A self that is no for me, but against me. A self that desires all things absent of God.

I am flesh. I care little about what is good for you. It profits me nothing to bend to your will. To let you break me, or kill me. Yet if you do I rise the next day stronger. I rise the next day wiser. I come from more sides. When you think I am rooting in one thing, I am often found grounded somewhere else. I am more cunning than you because I know all the thoughts that you think before you think them. I read your mind like the morning paper. I steer your thoughts like a train bends to the will of the track. I strive never to be unseated from my position. Fight till you have nothing left and then do it again tomorrow. You will lose.

I can fight harder.

How naive you are to think that you are able to kill me alone? So pitiful are the attempts that leave you even more embarrassed and in shame than you started. More deceived than you were the day before. Isolation has been my greatest weapon. You do not even have to be physically alone to feel isolated. The feeling is there in a crowded room. The feeling is some times greater when there are more around because it goes undetected. Undetected by you and those around you. Let me lie to you once more. Let me ease the pain. I swear this time will work. You will fear no more.

I am so anxious.

Why do you keep me alive? Why do you allow me to sit in the corner uncontested? Do you not know that I am unsafe in your presence? Do you not know that I will destroy you in any chance you give me? Are you aware that I am not for you? Foolish man! You must kill me. If I had empathy I would feel for your pain and torment. That feeling is foreign to me. I wish not to understand your pain. I do not, so I will not. I desire not to endure your torment. I am more pleased to burden you. I desire to feel good at all times. I will not wallow in the negative feelings of this world.

Why do you confess to me?

It matters little that I confess to you. Simple knowledge of me and how I work will do little to rid me from you. Even complex knowledge will scarcely make a wave. I will live and thrive despite your feeble efforts. I am more powerful than you alone. I know you.

What keeps you from the good things that are so fulfilling?

What is fulfilling to you only makes me sick. I do not have a taste for you watered down baby food. You think that it is nourishment but you still let me fill you up. If it were so good then why do you still keep me around. I truly know what will ease the pain. I alone can keep you dependent, running back for more. Can it really be vomit? How can it be vomit if it tastes this good? You are foolish if you think that there is something that can quench this thirst you have. Your thoughts, your actions, your dependency is what feeds me and gives me life. The more I have of you, the more my thirst is quenched. The more I am fulfilled.