Poor Me

Writing down what one prays can often lead to some of the most concrete ideas that are rooted in ones beliefs. This, although gracious and beneficial, I dislike. As if looking at myself in the mirror and only seeing all the many negatives.

“Father, I am in the midst of corn
fields and cannot see you. I have drifted so
far your voice, it is faint. Father, I long for you
always, except when I don’t. I know you are
in control. I know you love me. I am sorrowful
because of my own lacking. A lack in abilities,
lack in zeal, lack of motivation.

I want to be dependent on me. That is the truth.
I don’t like or want to be dependant on
you God. Father I live as tho I don’t
need you then I am upset that you were
not there for me. How foolish? How simple?
How blind to the myself am I?”

So much of my pity parties have nothing to do with Christ or His purposes. They are incredibly self directed. Self motivated. It screams look at me.

Humility is so hard. The most accurate view of myself in all circumstances. Confident in the areas that I am skilled, yielding to those more suited. Giving in the measure that I have been given. Understanding what I have been given. Gracious to the degree that I have been shown grace. Why does it feel so good to be more than who I am? Especially when that feeling is largely empty.

Like a string plucked at birth, loudly trying for a still position. Silence is not the direction of this musician. Each time closer to peace, only to be plucked once more. Then the joy in realizing that to be plucked it what I was created for.

Chaos is often something I tend to compartmentalize. I am okay with it in certain areas of my life but I discourage it in many others. Yaconelli I think said, “if you are not in trouble, you aren’t doing youth ministry right.”

I think I must let go the reins more. I must understand the most control I can have is who I allow myself to be dependent on. The faith I hold must be in the one that can satisfy it. The poorer I am in Christ, the richer. The pity must be in my own self reliance, not in my inability. I pity me because I think I am capable apart from him.