“It is a memorable passage, in Prov. 30:17: ‘The Eye that mocks at his Father, and despises to obey his Mother, the Ravens of the Valley shall pick it out, and the young Eagles shall eat it.’ It seems, an Untimely and a Tragical Death, often exposes the Carcasses of those Children, to the Carnivorous Fowls of Heaven.”
Mather, Cotton. A Family Well Ordered (pp. 59-60)
Restless this morning I thought I would get up early before everyone else in the house to pray and read. Needless to say the last 12 hours has been like standing in a house of mirrors. I cannot escape my reflection. The last few years when God decides to reveal it is often not in small doses. The dose level has little to do with me comfort level or my feelings on the matter.
It is no coincidence that one of the major themes right now is parenting and leadership in my home. I think I have been called out in this area more in the last 3 years than I care to remember. Largely it is because I have young minds that remind me of my responsibility to do this daily. When it was just Katie and I it was very easy to ignore the duties as a husband. Like your next oil change, “I’ll do it next week.” But children have the oddest ways of humbling you. The little mirrors that God created them to be, reflecting so vividly the inadequacies I so obviously display.
My dad beat my mom. He scared the living daylights out of us kids. He wasn’t all bad though. He was often Jekyll and Hyde. You really had no idea who you would get. As children I often thought that I had more to do with who would come out than I actually did. If I behaved better I was convinced that I would get to spend time with Jekyll. Any misstep the unpredictability of Hyde would emerge. Hyde was often unbearable. Then he would disappear. I never understood it as a kid but now as an adult, sort of, I think I have a better grasp.
From the earliest I can remember I vowed never to physically abuse my wife or kids. to this day I have never crossed that line and never will. I thought, from my experience as a son, that abstaining from that would make me a good husband and a good father. One that would turn out to be better than the one that I have. Reading together with Katie last night and then praying this morning helped to reveal a blind spot. It takes a whole lot more than not doing the wrong things to be a successful husband and father. This may have seemed obvious to most but the things we think should be obvious are the blind spots in others.
The message that I though I was being sent and that I rejected was, in order to lead your family you must control everything by fear and intimidation. You are the one on top and everyone must submit to you will. The message that I was actually being sent was, the father is the most important in the family. My desires, my opinions, my understanding, and my words. I rejected the physical manifestation of the message but I took in the message hook, line and sinker. I have sent the message that I am the more important. My time, my desires, my preference. Me, it’s been entirely about me.
I am my fathers son. In so many ways. Despite wether I like it or not. I often despise it to the point of tears that I am burdened with this mans thoughts, mannerisms, selfishness and I see him when I look in the mirror.
Anytime I read one of the verses in proverbs about children listening to parents or hearing the warnings of the Bible towards children, until recently, I have taken them as a charge to children. After reading more of Voddie Bauchman and Cotton Mathers, I have come to realize that more than a call to children, it is a call to parents and their responsibility to train up their children in a way that they will listen to their fathers instruction, and not forsake their mothers teaching.
My responsibility to my children is to show them who is the most important. Jesus is the most important. I hate the clique but I think maybe it is only clique because it’s true. The usage with out practical application is what makes it clique, not Jesus. What does it look like to show my children that I am not the most important but Jesus is. I don’t entirely know. I think I might have to first truly believe it. I think I know it. I think that he is important. If I am completely honest I am not sure I want Him to be more important. It’s like they say about some addicts. They want to, want to be clean. How do I got from (wanting to, want) to a just doing? That leap has always been tough.
Awareness of the blind spot is more than enough to start walking in the right direction. Walking in community, walking with my wife, and walking with my kids. Eventually if I keep walking with the right people I will naturally He will allow me send the right message.
Nos & Rehtaf, Dnabsuh 