Psalms 103:2-5 “Praise the Lord, Oh my soul. Forget not all his benefits. Who forgives all your sin. Who heals all your disease. Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion. Who satisfies your desires with all good things”
Proverbs 9:18 “But he does not know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of Sheol.”
Praying this morning I thanked God for saving me from the pit. When we say we are at rock bottom, I think that is the bottom of the pit. When we were at our worst. It’s not a trivial thing. It is significant in the highest degree.
Thinking back over my life I have been shocked by the many precarious situations that I placed myself in. My life has been anything but safe. Many paths that I walked down, some for a short time and others for years. What ever the rationale behind me, it was never profitable in and of itself. It was profitable only in hindsight and only because of God’s redeeming love for me. I would like to think that he redeemed me for my own sake, and he has, but he also loves my family more than I do. He has been gracious to limit the damage that I could have done and he is still limiting the harm that I could potential cause. This overall make me extremely thankful for the overwhelming unseen blessings in my life. The what-if’s.
I know nothing. I am so ignorant of truth and understanding. I loathe myself most of the time after I speak to people. I think there is some healthiness in this loathing to keep at least a small portion of me humble but often it is an unhealthy amount of loathing. Partly I need someone that I respect a great deal to tell me when I am completely wrong. Sometimes I think that I realize in essence my own fathers struggle to find someone as formidable as himself to risk relationship to confront. There are those who encourage me. I am grateful for that. I know that I am deeply flawed and I becomes increasingly hard to self regulate the more that I learn. The more that I learn, the more opinionated I become. The more opinionated I become the more logic I require to change my perspective and the more difficult it becomes to engage in conversation.
I am just rambling, this is mostly nonsense. Not that it is untrue. There is truth just not much that can be encouraging to others. I mainly have my head full of fog and this is what comes out. Reading what I write must be worse that listening to me ramble, and I know that can be painful. I hope no one reads this.
I think the goal I started with was that God has redeemed me the many times I hit rock bottom or was headed that direction fast. He has saved me from the place of dark loneliness where you cannot see the hand in front of your face. You cannot see all the hands around you reaching out for you. You cannot see the loved ones that are trying to encourage you. You are blind, alone, and isolated. The Father needs nothing from you. He just lifts you up and out. All of a sudden you see clearer. You interpret the voices better. You are able to follow where he is leading. The danger of the pit is that there is light for the longest time, until you cannot squint hard enough to make out any truth. Then, at that point it is impossible to find your way back. Sometimes that process takes a life time. One day you find yourself sitting alone, by yourself, in the dark, wondering why you can see anything. Everyone you love standing around you clueless to how to make themselves visible to you. All they want is for God to wake you up. Open your eyes. See the light.
sorry if you endured that whole thing.
Nos & Rehtaf, Dnabsuh 